Everything About You
by njhill22
Summary: This is the story of a very unlikely pairing in a love, hate…more hate relationship. This is a cynical look back on how it all began and the maddening realization of why it hasn’t ended. A Harry, Pansy pairing. Yes, I have undertaken the implausible.
1. Everything About You

_**Regret.**_

That is the only word to describe the utterly illogical liaison he had gotten himself into.

Every second of the day he regretted it. Hell, every nanosecond.

What the _hell_ was he thinking? She resembled a damn dog.

Yet, there he was…a more than willing participant.

_**Blame.**_

Technically this was all Snape's fault. He's the one that had to separate him from his friends and pair him with this Slytherin bitch. As if that wasn't bad enough, it was like she was illiterate. Even he didn't screw up this much in potions. After correcting her countless times, she finally snapped, claiming that she wasn't blind and could read the directions…which he highly doubted by now. He decided to take matters into his own hands and try to salvage the potion as best he could.

This ended up in a battle over the stirring wand…

She attempted to smack him and his retaliation sent her dangling serpent earring into the bubbling substance below.

Their brief eye contact following conveyed the imminent catastrophe.

And that's why they both ended up sitting in detention…for blowing up a good portion of Snape's dungeon classroom.

The punishment? Repairing the wall that had been taken out upon the explosion…without magic.

There they both grudgingly worked together, piecing back stone by stone of the wall. All was going as well as it could until Snape decided to leave the room, trusting his Slytherin student to not do anything remotely unwise in his absence…and to surely make certain that he, the insubordinate Gryffindor, did the same.

And that's when everything went to hell.

_**Profound.**_

"You owe me a new pair of earrings," She stated, handing him the next stone.  
He rolled his eyes after taking it. "Just get Malfoy to get you some new ones."  
"He's not what you think," She said defensively. "Lay off of him for once."  
"And just what is that supposed to mean?" He asked, leveling up the stone properly.  
"You're too self-absorbed to understand."

They exchanged remarks, degrading each others Houses, quite a natural thing to happen between a Slytherin and a Gryffindor, followed by some personal insults. After a particularly low blow to his masculinity, he called her what everyone he knew referred to her as…a pug-faced slut. This was quickly followed by calling him an orphan.

"So tell me pug-face, what's it like to be the Slytherin whore?" He asked with mock interest.  
"What's it like not having any parents, scarhead?" She sneered.  
"Fuck off Parkinson, don't you dare talk about my parents."  
"Fine, then don't you dare call me a whore because I'm far from it."  
"Whatever."  
"I'm going to kill Flint for starting that damn rumor..." She mumbled.

Then the unnatural began to happen.

They had found a common bond. A loathing for the same Slytherin.

Pansy Parkinson had some depth to her after all.

_**Civility.**  
_

That's how the cataclysm started. Two people merely trying to be civil to each other.

In actuality, it was the beginning of the annihilation of the senses. The common senses.

So when she was mumbling to herself after leaving Defense Against the Dark Arts about her grades one day, he decided to interject.

"Don't know why you'd need the defense part, Parkinson. After all, you're on the other end of that battle line."  
"You try living in a house where dark curses are the punishment." She said irritably.

Looking back on it, he knew he had lost all common sense the moment he offered to help her. Even worse, he knew all brain functioning had been lost when he told her how to get to The Room of Requirement so they could practice.

What a horrendous idea this proved to be.

It was the fifth time he had been to tutor her and she seemed to be steadily improving. In fact, it appeared his job was complete seeing as he had her caught up with everything in class and then some.

"Looks like we won't have to be coming here again." He said, holding the door open for her.  
She nodded, making her way towards the door. "Thanks. It meant a lot to me."  
He stopped her as she was passing him by putting his hand on her shoulder. "Not a word about this place."  
"You have my word."  
He arched an eyebrow.  
"Well what do you want from me, blood?"  
"Breath one syllable and everyone will think you're with Longbottom."  
"You're almost as bad as Flint."

Unfortunately, neither of them were moving.

"Why aren't you leaving?" He asked.  
"I was waiting for you to leave." She said.  
"I'm holding the door open for you…" He motioned to his other hand still holding the door ajar.  
"I don't need you holding doors open for me."  
"I'm not leaving until you walk out first."  
"Well then it looks like you're not leaving."  
"Guess not." With that, he let go of the door and it slammed shut.

Stuck in The Room of Requirement due to sheer stubbornness. Yet another common bond discovered. Surely they would leave to go to dinner. Nope. Dinner courtesy of Dobby. When they finally did end up leaving, the invisibility cloak was needed.

In retrospect, he should have just let her walk back by herself.

Nonfunctional as he was, he actually had his arm around her to make sure they were close enough so the cloak covered them both until they ended up in front of the entrance to the Slytherin common room. It was a mutual thing really, they were both leaning towards each other. Just a quick peck on the lips. They both bolted in different directions just as fast it had happened. It was really nothing….

It just unleashed the gates of hell.

_**Lure.**_

If that was the bait, he had negligently taken it. He caught himself scanning the Slytherin table in the Great Hall for her the next morning. At least some part of him knew he shouldn't be looking for her. Ron had questioned him about his late arrival the prior night, which he of course lied about. Now he was questioning his absentminded state…except this time he followed his line of vision to the Slytherin table. He just assumed he was glaring at Malfoy, who happened to be sitting right next to her.

He decided the best thing to do would be to ignore her. Yes, everything would go back to normal.

She however ruined that plan when she sat herself next to him in Potions.

Apparently they needed to talk. And as any male with half a brain knows, it's never good when a female wants to talk.

Oh the looks they were receiving.

The completely dumbfounded looks of Ron and Hermione, accompanied by the equally baffled Malfoy and Bulstrode. Snape, however, did not find this seating arrangement amusing and forced the 'volatile duo' as far apart as possible.

This didn't stop her from pursuing him after class.

"What the hell is going on?" She asked as soon as they were out of earshot of everyone.  
"I don't know, but this is way too weird for me." He said truthfully.  
"Ugh, this is going to drive me mad. Come here." She grabbed his cloak and dragged him around the corner.  
"What are you doing?" He asked slightly panicked.  
"Getting this out of my system so I can go on with life. Damnit…of all people, why did it have to be Saint Potter?"

So there they were, hidden in the darkness of the shadows having a major snogging session.

Where was Voldemort when you needed him?

After who knows how long, they finally broke.

"Okay. Now that that's been taken care of, there's no need to ever speak of this again." She said, blatantly trying to catch her breath. "By the way…not bad."

That bitch did that on purpose. She had to have known that he would pull her back.

"What are you doing, Potter?"  
"I don't even know anymore."

By the time he showed up to Transfiguration, it was over fifteen minutes later.

_**Covert.**_

Sneaking around can only work for so long. He knew it, she knew it…but apparently it didn't matter. The sad part about that was most of the time they weren't even messing around, they spent most of the time getting to know each other.

What a fucking awful idea that was.

All she does is complain. Literally. Who the hell would want to put up with that?

His disappearing acts had unfortunately not gone unnoticed. Every chance they got, Ron and Hermione would question him regarding his whereabouts. He even caught them trying to follow him on a few occasions, resulting in him having to abandon those visits with Parkinson…which of course she complained about. He would just remind her of when the same thing happened to her and he was left waiting.

But alas, their stealth tactics had to fail eventually. And fail with flying colors they did.

The hallway where the original snogging session took place had been being utilized by them for the same reason ever since. That was a good three months by now.

_**Open.**_

How no one had found them sooner is still a complete mystery.

So there they were, snogging after Potions as usual, when…

"HARRY!"

Son-of-a-bitch.

He pathetically tried to hide Parkinson, shielding her face with his hands that were already there. Hermione stood there, curiosity replaced the initial shock that resided on her face. Parkinson was clutching onto his cloak, her eyes stricken with panic.

Hermione smirked. "So this is what you've been up to. Who's the lucky girl?"

He bit his bottom lip nervously. There was no way out of this and he let his hands drop from Parkinson's face. She turned around slowly. Hermione's expression returned to her initial shock and she started to stutter.

Hermione Granger was stuttering.

"P-pansy?" She finally managed to get out.  
"Hermione…" He said tentatively. "Please…"  
She nodded weakly and started to back away.

He let out a sigh of relief. He knew Hermione wouldn't say anything. He put his hands on Parkinson's shoulders reassuringly and he felt her relax.

That was until Ron's voice sounded…unnervingly close.

He grabbed Parkinson's hand and began to make a run for it. Figures it would be too late.

"There you are Har-" Ron stopped suddenly. "Why-are-you-holding-_her_-hand!"  
Parkinson shook her hand free from his. "Alright, so you caught us! We've been seeing each other! There! I said!"

Why he felt relieved at that moment, he still does not know. Just another effect of his total loss of rational brain functioning.

_**Admittance.**_

What happened in the common room that night was something to put down in the record books. But thanks to Ron, all of Gryffindor house was about to find out his secret he had protected so well.

"For the love of…Parkinson, Harry? What the hell! Have you gone _completely_ mental!" Ron threw his hands up in exasperation. "Come on, you can do so much better than that! Like…like…Ginny for instance! Yes, Ginny! Everyone knows she's had this crush on you for years! It's about time you acted on it! So go on! Go out with my sister, I won't stop you! In fact, I encourage it! Do whatever you want with her, you have my blessing!"

Ginny look absolutely horrified. Ron ran over to her and shoved her over to him.

He shoved her back. "Ron, I don't want your sister!"  
"But you want Parkinson!" Ron yelled accusatorily.

All had gone silent. He looked around the room and noticed that everyone was looking at him expectantly.

He sighed. "Yes…"

And with that, he walked out of the common room with all eyes on him. He began walking the all now too familiar path to the Slytherin common room.

If Ron was a good friend, he would have Avada Kedavra-ed him as soon as he had said yes.

_**Consummation.**_

By that time the next day, the events that unfolded in the Gryffindor common room were known by all. The expected taunting ensued and he found himself coming to her defense.

At least some people tried to talk some sense into him. But being the daft person that he is, he didn't listen to their absolutely brilliant advice.

Well, at least she was doing the same for him, so he wasn't the only idiot in the relationship.

They were hardly ever seen together since they kept up the same stealth-like routine they had prior. It was really just a lot easier that way.

But then he really lost his mind. He skipped a Hogsmeade trip.

Let's reiterate.

He skipped a Hogsmeade trip.

He did it because ever since she saw the replica of Gryffindor common room in The Room of Requirement, she had wanted to go in the real thing. So, when all the first and second years, and the rest of the non-Hogsmeade stragglers, went to the Great Hall for lunch, that's when they took advantage of the empty common room.

The common room viewing didn't last long and they ended up in his empty dorm room.

If only someone had been there to stop them from desecrating each others bodies…

Now he was in far too deep. The words had just flowed effortlessly out of his mouth in response to hers.

The worst part about it was…they both meant it.

_**Misfortune.**_

It really is a tragedy for each of them. They could each be with someone they don't hate so much, yet they don't stray.

Instead they stay put in the intense dissonance that could only be known as their exceptionally fucked up relationship.

He hates her. She hates him.

They make sure to tell each other that on a daily basis.

She loves him. It makes him ill.

He loves her. It makes him sicker.

Harry Potter and Pansy Parkinson…

May one of them regain their sanity soon.


	2. The Madness Continues

_**Maliciously Wicked.**_

If there's one thing that Parkinson is, it is depraved. She claimed that it was his fault, saying that he brings this part of her out. Not that he was complaining about it, it was the only thing about her that he could stand. Parkinson is a damn good shag.

The things she could get him to do…

If anyone ever found out those things, he would off himself this time.

Really…he would.

And the sheer delight she took in knowing it. She taunted him about it daily, saying it almost loud enough for people to hear. She took great pleasure in watching him squirm while attempting to keep her quiet.

What a bitch.

"I'm a Slytherin, it's in my nature to torment you, Potter." She smiled sweetly.  
"So, was fucking me in the fine print or are you just being the insurgent bitch that you are?" He was becoming more cynical from being around her…if that was even possible.  
"Mind your manners, Potter or this insurgent bitch will refuse to meet you tonight."  
He shrugged and began to walk away. "Your loss."  
Then she did was she always did. "You were driving me mad the way you were moaning my name last night." She said in a less than quiet voice. "How'd it go again? Paannsssyyy. No, maybe it was Ppppansyyyyy." She was quite effectively imitating his groaning. "But I especially liked the repetition, you sounded all hot and bothered and you rea-OWW! Potter!"  
He had sent less than pleasant stinging hex her way. "I hate you, Parkinson. I mean I _really_ hate you."

_**Unexpected Enlightenment.**_

What can be worse than being Pansy Parkinson's boyfriend? Come on, take a guess.

If you guessed having her parents ambush you on a Hogsmeade trip, you'd be correct.

If Parkinson wasn't shocked to see them, then he could have at least have blamed her for a setup. However, the last thing she wanted her parents to know was that she was with him.

Evidently word had spread to them.

Her parents were not exactly pleased by this news seeing as how he ended up being held up against a building from his neck by her father.

Her father was threatening to sever a certain appendage of his…and when your girlfriend's infuriated father is threatening that…you listen _very_ attentively.

After nearly passing out due to lack of oxygen, Parkinson's whining voice was finally heard and he was released. Her voice was so grating, he rather her father be choking him again so he didn't have to fully focus on it.

If he wasn't a complete moron, he would've dumped her right there, but seeing as how he is the most brainless person inhabiting the planet, he didn't. In fact, that fantastic idea never even crossed his mind.

Instead he gets daily death threats via owl from her parents.

"Why can't your parents be Death Eaters, Parkinson? At least I'd have a decent excuse to get rid of you if they were," He said miserably when she sat down next to him in Potions.  
"Because believe it or not, my parents aren't completely mad like the majority of the Slytherin's parents." She hissed lowly. "But they do share their opinion of you being a pompous bastard who needs to die...and bonus points if you happen to take out the Dark Lord in the process."  
"Keep your mouth shut about that prophecy!" He said, dangerously low. "I really need to stop talking in my sleep..."  
"Relax, Potter I'm not going to tell anyone. Last thing I need is my name to go on his hit-list too."  
"You're already on it due to association." She groaned. "Why don't you just take your parents advice and rid yourself of me."  
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"  
"Of course I would."  
"Sorry, Potter. Finals are coming up and I'm going to need you around to release all of that stress and tension."  
"Oh bloody hell, Parkinson! It's bad enough Harry won't get rid of you, but no one wants to hear the details." A very upset looking Ron said.  
"Don't be bitter just because you aren't getting any, Weasley." She said before retreating to her usual seat next to Bulstrode.  
Ron sat down next to him. "I'm telling you mate, get rid of that wench and the guys and I will set you up with a nice rebound relationship."

Snape entered the room and was followed shortly by an owl. The owl that always delivered him his latest threat. He hoped that Snape hadn't seen it, since it was gone quite quickly, and he went to put the red envelope into his backpack.

But who was he kidding…

"Mr. Potter, I see you are receiving mail yet again in my class." Snape's eyes were glistening with delight when he saw it was a howler. "How about you read it now seeing that what ever it is couldn't be sent during the appropriate post time."  
"No." He said without thinking.  
"No?" Snape said, his lips curving upward. "I insist. That is unless you would prefer detention tonight, where we can discuss your post-receiving habits in further detail."

If Parkinson hadn't promised what she had earlier that morning…

After being screamed at for five minutes by the howler, the entirety of the classroom was in hysterics.

Literally.

Minus himself of course.

He then did the smartest thing he had done in months.

He turned to Ron, who was still trying to stop laughing. "I don't care who she is, but find me that rebound…the sooner, the better."

_**Un-dramatic Conclusion.**_

He had finally come to his senses. It was a time for celebration!

Yet he found himself sulking to The Room of Requirement where he would meet her as planned. Minus the insignificant alteration of plot where he would finally break up with her. This was really long overdo. It needed to be done.

He surmised her presence when he saw a door already there when he arrived and proceeded to open it with apprehension.

Damnit. He forgot she would be wearing that.

He forced himself to look away and remember the list that Ron had showed him before he left. He had to admit, those guys worked fast. They already had a list of females who would love the chance to be in Parkinson's position.

Oh no. He had to get her off of him. It wouldn't be long before his resolve would break.

He unwillingly pushed her away and met her exceptionally confused gaze.

It was a simple exchange of words really. He told her he couldn't do this anymore and she said okay.

This apparently had no effect whatsoever on continuing on with the original plans for the night.

He was so pathetic, he should have just turned her down. Then again, he is completely incompetent.

When he arrived back to the Gryffindor common room, Ron sat there eagerly waiting.

"Did you do it! Please tell me you ended it!" Ron practically pleaded.  
"Yeah…it's over." Why the _hell_ did he sound so upset!

That's when Ron began celebrating. Literally. The common room had a lot more people in it and many were congratulating him for finally regaining his common sense.

This was a good thing. A _very_ good thing.

It was when Ginny actually started to flirt with him that he knew his common sense had escaped from his grasp again. His extremely intelligent side was urging him to pursue the pretty Gryffindor whose brother usually beat up anyone that tried to touch her. He could even see Ron giving him a huge smile and thumbs up for their proximity.

It was when she leaned in to kiss him that he became completely inept again.

He took off to his dormitory uttering a string of obscenities.

That Slytherin bitch had him and there was nothing he could do about it.

Except bang his head against the wall until there was a nice sized lump.

_**Absurd Assumptions.**_

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you Harry! You better get your act together and apologize to Gi…whoa…what happened to your head?"

Ron would have harassed him the night before, but he conveniently went to sleep after assaulting himself. Consequently, his temple was quite swollen and bruised.

"Maybe you should go see Madam Pomfrey." Ron said, examining his head a little closer.  
"I'm fine, Ron."  
"Well, you better hurry up. You already missed breakfast and Potions is going to start soon."  
"I'm not going."  
"Oh come on, Harry. This better not be because of _her_."  
"I'm _not_ going."

Damn Ron for getting Hermione. She's nothing short of a drill sergeant when it comes to attending classes.

So there he sat in his usual seat. The room was unnervingly quiet considering Snape had not arrived yet.

"Who would've thought that coming to your senses would attract so much attention." Ron said.

He knew exactly why. He had heard the rumors as he walked to class. It was the reason he wasn't even going to venture a glance to his left where she sat. It was time to avoid her at all costs, for the consequences of a run-in would most likely leave him in some form of physical pain.

It was after Charms he met his doom. It wasn't that he had not been paying attention. He was just so used to going to meet her afterward that going that path had become habit. He prepared for pain as soon as he felt the very forceful tug on his cloak that pulled him into the shadows.

"Potter you fucking bastard!" Was quickly followed by a back-handed slap.

He felt the cut on his cheek from the ring that resided on her finger. Ironic that the ring happened to be from him. When she raised her hand again to inflict more damage, he decided to try and save his face from any further harm.

"I didn't do anything, I swear!" He managed to get out before her hand came crashing across his face again.  
"Bullshit Potter! You're a lying bastard and I hate you! I HATE YOU!"  
He grabbed her arm before she could leave. "Pansy I swear nothing happened! Before or after…"  
"If you don't let me go I'm going to slap you again."

Unfortunately, he is beyond daft and he ended up with multiple cuts on his face before he couldn't take the stinging anymore.

"Have fun with that little whore." She sneered while giving him the finger.  
"Pansy…" She turned the corner without looking back.

Wait a minute. Had he actually called her by her first name during that? How sickeningly delusional could he get! You really don't want the answer to that question actually...

Damnit. He was going to have to beg. As in 'make a complete fool out of himself' beg.

_**Drastic Measures.**_

Now if he was smart, which by now everyone knows he's nowhere near it, he would have told Ron his pathetic, lovesick plan. Ron would've off-ed him without even thinking about it. Hell, Hermione would've at least Crucio-ed him to stall for time.

As is stands, most regrettably, he kept his mouth shut and walked into the Great Hall without any sort of objections. It was half-way through lunch when he made his idiotic move.

If only someone would've made a meager attempt to try and trip him when he made his way over to the Slytherin table.

Ignoring the fact that he had everyone's attention in the Great Hall, he called her name as he stood behind her. She quite effectively ignored him, making the surrounding Slytherins laugh at his attempts.

He deserved to be shot with a muggle handgun for what he did next.

He not so quietly professed his love for her.

Quite a few people could be heard choking on their food or drink.

Of all days to be a damnable, brave Gryffindor…

He was on his knees…asking her to take him back.

To add to the humiliation, she wasn't even paying attention to him. That bitch hadn't even looked at him once.

And for good effect, Malfoy pushed him over. "Give it up, Potter and stop making a fool of yourself. Normally I would take great pleasure in your humiliation, but this is just pitiful."

To make matters worse…Malfoy was right. One-hundred and fifty million percent accurate.

But haven't you heard? Harry Potter is the dumbest person to inhabit the Earth.

"Potter, you really are an idiot." Malfoy said in response to him returning to his pre-pushed over stance and continuing to pine for her attention.

By now it is beyond reason to think that he's the one who is destined to defeat Voldemort.

Hell, Voldemort would be laughing his arse off if he was there and then he'd go kill Neville, because he would realize that there's no way it could be him he was up against after seeing his appalling display of affection.

It was after a good ten minutes of, what should have been shame-filled, cajoling that she finally acknowledged his presence.

"Potter, you are really starting to irritate me." She said. "And you might want to go to Madame Pomfrey about your face; it doesn't help your already struggling appearance."

At least he doesn't look like a dog.

"What do you want from me, Pansy? I'll do whatever you want."

No reiteration should be needed to show how completely horrifying of a comment that was.

Then she smirked. That terribly, wicked smirk of hers.

"Why don't you sit down right here?" She said smoothly as she moved over, leaving a space between her and Malfoy.

Malfoy really should have stabbed him in the eye with his fork. He would have thanked him.

For the remainder of lunch, he was Parkinson's bitch…which was enough to secure him that title permanently.

And good enough to get her back.

Worst. Idea. EVER.

He's still waiting for his sanity to return...


	3. And It Still Continues

_**Aiming To Ameliorate**_

He didn't want to admit it, but it was hard to ignore the taunting by seemingly the entire student body when he walked through the halls…

He was whipped and she had him wrapped around her little finger.

Now if you would have told him this the year prior, he would have laughed at the terrible joke and then told you the apocalypse were surely near if it was to happen.

Unfortunately, the apocalypse missed the memo.

How could he have gotten himself into such a mess! Oh wait, he forgot. He's the idiot that actually fell for Pansy Parkinson.

He had finally admitted it to himself after not being able to explain his actions that had taken place two weeks ago.

You probably remember…

Great Hall. Making a complete arse out of himself. Parkinson's bitch. Sound familiar yet?

Well, there really was no other explanation besides the fact that he had fallen for the Slytherin. Complete insanity originally crossed his mind, but Hermione easily disproved that completely logical way of thinking…

"Ron, I am completely mad. That's the only logical explanation." He said in response to Ron's completely baffled reaction to him becoming Parkinson's bitch.  
"You're damn right you're bloody mad! You were sitting next to MALFOY!" Ron seemed to be more horrified by that, than his sickening pleading with Parkinson.  
"I need you to do us all a favor, Ron." He said seriously. "Kill me and get rid of the remains."  
"Harry, don't be silly." Hermione chimed in, finally looking up from her book.  
"He's not! I'm actually considering it! It would be for his own good!"  
"He's not mad and he doesn't need to be killed. What he needs to do is just accept the fact that he loves the girl and move on." She said. "Honestly, this really isn't that difficult."  
Both Ron's and his face paled considerably.  
"Hermione how dare you say that!" Ron quickly turned to him. "Don't worry Harry, we'll get you the help you need at St. Mungo's."  
"Ron, you're not helping him."  
"Not helping…_not_ helping him! I'll pay for whatever help you need, Harry!"  
"Okay, so his choice in women is a little…odd, but he _is not_ mental, Ron!"  
"Clearly he is, Hermione!"  
"She's…" He started.  
"She's a terrible Slytherin, I know Harry. We're going to get you fixed up and back to normal." Ron said reassuringly.  
"She's…r-right." He finished.  
"Who!"  
"H-hermione."  
"No! No way! I'm not going to sit around and watch you suffer like this anymore! Come on, we're going now!" Ron said, grabbing his arm and dragging him towards the portrait hole.  
He stopped in his tracks, becoming dead weight, which caused Ron to turn around.  
"Bloody hell, Harry…" The sheer look of guilt on his face must have elicited that response from Ron.  
"I…I'm…"  
"Don't say it, Harry! Fight it!"  
"I can't. Hermione's right. I-I f-fell for her." He said completely defeated.  
Ron dropped his arm from his grasp and just gaped at him.  
"Now don't you feel better, Harry?" Hermione asked.  
"Don't…" Ron said, putting his hand up. "Just don't answer that, Harry. I can only take so much in one day."

Unbelievable, right? Well, it gets worse. He went and found her after that…

"What did you say?" Parkinson asked, sounding highly confused.  
"I said…" He made sure to lower his voice for the next part. "I-I love you."  
She smirked. "You haven't said that to me since the first time we slept together. And that little stunt you pulled in the Great Hall doesn't count."  
"Well…you haven't either."  
"You have selective memory."  
"No I-"  
"Every time I said it you just snogged me senseless to shut me up." She said. "And don't give me that look; I've been onto that trick of yours for quite some time." She actually sounded quite hurt.  
"It wasn't…I mean to say…it wasn't that…" He decided to give up. "I'm sorry."  
"It's fine, Potter," She said while rolling her eyes.  
"No, it's not fine." He said, grabbing her hand. "I just…didn't want to admit it. I'm sorry."  
"Potter-"  
"I love you, Parkinson. I have for awhile. I just finally came to my senses enough to admit it."

How revoltingly sappy could you get! Oh he forgot…their last day at Hogwarts. Yes, it unfortunately gets much more schmaltzy, but there's no need to get into that. Trust that you really don't want to know…it's that grossly over-romanticized.

All that needs to be told from that day is that she had left long lines of nail marks on his neck when her parents violently dragged her away from him at Kings Cross Station.

But that's getting ahead of himself…

_**Payback's A Bitch**_

Now if there's one thing he wasn't going to do, it was sit there and take all of this abuse from everyone. He was just lying low, waiting for the prime opportunity to unleash the hell he had so perfectly orchestrated onto Parkinson.

Just thinking of his wonderful idea brought him enormous amounts of joy, and he hadn't even implemented it yet.

It was when Parkinson was enjoying his public humiliation in the hallway a little too much that he decided it was time to act.

Now one might wonder why he would want to do such a thing after his recent declaration of ever-lasting love. He still couldn't quell the insistent voice of sanity yelling at him from somewhere deep in his subconcious. You know, that place in your skull so often repressed by one's libido. The section that made this answer quite simple: He hated her.

That night, he took out a piece of parchment, quill and some ink. He cracked his knuckles before picking up the quill and dipping it into the inkwell. He began to write…

Dearest Mother and Father,

There is something I have been meaning to tell you. I didn't tell you sooner, because I was afraid of your reaction, but I think it's time to inform you of what has been happening. Harry and I have been together for quite some time now and we decided to take our relationship to the next level. It turns out that the next level resulted in an unexpected outcome. Harry and I have discussed it and we decided the best thing to do would be to say our nuptials. Harry and I have declared our eternal love to one another with the ring I am currently wearing on my finger as our wedding draws near. I would love for you to bestow upon us your presence on the day we join in matrimony. I know this is quite sudden, but it would be ever so wonderful if you accept Harry into your hearts as I have, as well as getting ready to welcome your forthcoming grandchild. We are thinking of naming the child with Father's middle name and as for the first, we have yet to decide. I want my loving parents to be there to help us in guiding this child. I hope to hear from you soon.

Much love,  
Pansy

Now for the final touch. He waved his wand and his handwriting transformed into Parkinson's.

Oh this was going to be good...

He had gotten up early that following morning to go to the owlery to send his ingenious letter. He sought out her owl, who wouldn't listen to him once he found her. Hedwig had to be sent to chase her down. Her owl was just as stubborn as she was. After being bit on the finger quite hard, her owl was off to deliver the surely infuriating letter.

He endured the taunting through all of his morning classes. Was it possible to hate her more than he already did? That answer was naturally a resounding 'yes'.

He headed up to his dormitory before heading to lunch. He had a feeling that if her parents were going to react, they would probably arrive around a mealtime. He retrieved his invisibility cloak and headed toward the Great Hall.

No way in hell was he going to be caught dead in the same room as them if they were to show up.

It was near the end of lunch and he was beginning to lose hope of her parents making an appearance. He sighed dejectedly. There was always dinnertime.

But alas, his enduring patience was not to go unrewarded, for walking quite briskly into the Great Hall, and heading directly towards the Slytherin table, were two awfully unhappy looking people.

He immediately pulled his disappearing act under the cloak and waited for the entertainment to begin.

"PANSY PARKINSON!" Her mother's voice bellowed through the Great Hall, causing all attention to come to a focus on them. "Just what _exactly_ is the meaning of this letter!"  
"What letter!" Parkinson asked, quite confused.

Oh this was already proving to be quite brilliant.

"Allow me to refresh your memory!" Her father snatched the letter that her mother was shaking in front of her face.

Her father actually started reading the letter out loud for everyone to hear. This was going even better than he had imagined it. _Way_ better.

"How dare you get married behind our backs'!" Her mother shouted at her.  
"I'm not married! Of all people, I would never marry Potter!" Parkinson protested.  
"Then explain this ring on your finger!"

Her mother had snatched her hand that wore a ring he had bought for her in Hogsmeade she had liked…the same ring that had left cuts on his face when she slapped him.

"It was a gift! Nothing more!" Parkinson alleged.

Oh she was sounding quite desperate. It was simply spectacular.

"Don't lie to us Pansy!" Her father shouted. "And to make matters worse you're now bearing his children!"

Even though he was quite a distance away, the look on her face was that of sheer horror, not to mention the majority of the people in the Great Hall as well.

"I have never done anything like that with Potter!"

Oh she had to be joking…

But then there was Seamus Finnigan. What an absolutely wonderful person he is.

Seamus stood up from where he sat at the Gryffindor table. "Oh please Parkinson, that's not true! Use a bloody silencing charm next time you're in our dorm!"

After Dean's quite vocal agreement with Seamus' statement of the obvious, Parkinson looked like she wanted to jump out of the nearest window. She actually looked like she was walking in that direction before her mother grabbed a handful of her hair and started to drag her towards the doors.

"Where's the infirmary! You're going to take a pregnancy test right now!"

This entertainment just wasn't ceasing to end.

"Ease up mother! You don't want your precious grandchild to be damaged and turn out like Longbottom now do you!" Parkinson shouted while attempting to pry her mother's fingers open.  
"Well, accidents _do_ happen." Her mother said, slapping Parkinson's hands that were trying to free her hair. "I guess we don't need that infirmary since you admit to carrying his spawn!"  
"I am not pregnant!"  
"We raised you better than this Pansy!" Her father yelled, shoving her forward since she wasn't exactly cooperating with her mother. "Now where is that infirmary!"

After the three of them exited the Great Hall, everyone was silent. The silence was broken when he took off his invisibility cloak and started laughing hysterically.

_**Consequences Of Morality**_

Most unfortunately, he possessed something that Parkinson didn't. A conscience.

So after his laughing fit in the Great Hall was over, his principles got the best of him and he headed towards the Hospital Wing.

Yet another terrible idea by the remarkably dim-witted Harry Potter.

Ron had by then given up all hope of him regaining his sanity and just waved him onward before he left the Great Hall.

What a horrible friend he had become.

The door to the Hospital Wing was closed, but that by no means meant that he couldn't hear the conversation that was going on behind them. It was Parkinson making a whiny rendition of 'I told you so'. However, her parents weren't too receptive to her claim of innocence to writing the letter.

It was when he heard her father cast her punishment at her that he decided to enter.

On the floor lay a twitching, but silent Parkinson, both of her parents with smug looks standing above her, Madame Pomfrey nowhere in sight.

He, regrettably, had not meant for this to happen and spoke up.

"I wrote the letter," He said.

Her parents' heads snapped in his direction, but the spell that had been cast upon Parkinson had not been lifted. If anything, his proclamation seemed to make it worse. Such a terrible shame that he actually cared.

After what seemed like an eternity with trying to reason with them, he let out a sigh and sent a disarming spell at her father. It worked a little too well and sent both of her parents flying into a wall.

Now one would think that a resounding 'thank you' would be in order. But this was Parkinson and she is a heinous bitch.

Consequently, no form of a 'thank you' was received. Instead he got smacked, a few choice words said to him and broken up with.

After enduring all of the taunting, reduction of his self-image to basic non-existence, not to mention fulfilling her every desired whim, she breaks up with him over a ridiculous prank?

What a bitch.

But hey, he was finally rid of her and this time he was too angry to experience any feelings of depression about it.

Damn Hermione for pointing that out to him, otherwise he would have been able to live some semblance of a normal, Parkinson-free life.

_**To Hate Hermione**_

It was quite a wonderful thing really…life without Parkinson. He can remember those whole two weeks quite well. Oh how they were absolute bliss.

Killing Hermione officially made his 'To Do List' after a certain stunt she pulled.

Now I'm sure you're wondering what dear, sweet, innocent Hermione could have done so horribly wrong. Let him assure you, killing her is not an overreaction.

"Oh Harry," Hermione said. "I have never seen you this miserable. You really need to talk to her."

Like hell he did. He was actually quite content in the fact that they were not together.

"Hermione, stop trying to mess with my head!" He finally shouted at her after hours of her trying to fill his mind will Pro-Parkinson propaganda.

He should have known something was up right then, but he attributes it to his Post-Parkinson idiocy…you know it takes awhile to get over so many months of complete incompetence.

What really tipped him off was when he saw Hermione emerging from the infamous snogging hallway while waiting for her with Ron after Potions. It was really her witty response to him that got him wondering.

"What were you doing over there?" He asked curiously.  
"Oh right, that's the hallway where I caught you with Pansy. Well, don't worry I didn't catch her with anyone else." She said insolently.  
"Ugh! How many times do I have to tell you that I am over this whole Parkinson thing!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and walked away. Ron was still too traumatized to even mention Parkinson and was barely able to listen to the conversation without noticeably shuddering.

Later that day is when he received the first request from Parkinson to meet so they could talk. He felt someone stick something in his robes as he walked through the halls. Turning to see if he could see who did it hadn't even occurred to him and he instead went rummaging for whatever was placed on him. The parchment he found was a polite request from her to meet, saying that he could send the time and place of the meeting in his response to her.

That piece of parchment ended up crumpled into a ball and burned on the spot.

Numerous notes followed, each a little differently worded, but never varied in tone. Parkinson was actually trying. After two weeks of the constant badgering letters, he made sure no one was looking when he pulled her aside after one of her classes.

After telling her that he would meet her in The Room of Requirement an hour before dinner, she gave him a curious look and then nodded.

Apparently that peculiar look she gave him was for a reason. She was flat out denying writing him any sappy love letters in an attempt to get him to meet her. Thankfully, he had brought the ones he hadn't destroyed with him. She appeared outraged.

"I did not write these!" She proclaimed.  
"Looks like your handwriting Parkin…" A horrible epiphany began to take shape in his head.  
"Did it ever occur to you that you're not the only one that knows how to alter handwriting! It's either that or you're making a pathetic attempt to get me back after making me look like a complete fool!"  
"Why in the hell would I want a bitch like you back!"  
"The same ill-fated reasons I would want a jackass like you back!"  
"I am not a jacka-wait, what did you just say!"  
"I said I didn't write those pathetic letters in your hand!"  
"That's not-"  
"That bitch! I knew she was up to something when she asked me for notes!"

Now that's not when killing Hermione ended up on the 'To Do List', that happened after the argument. Well, more when Parkinson gave up her arguement, said 'fuck it' and started snogging the hell out of him. There was really nothing he could do for she had caught him completely off guard. There he was yelling at her and next thing he knew he couldn't exactly talk anymore.

Oh he wasn't about to let her get away with that. He pushed her off and continued his rant about how he wanted nothing to do with her and how the past two weeks had been absolutely delightful without having to deal with her. He no longer was taunted, he was feeling better about himself and, most importantly, she wasn't there.

He should have figured this would have no effect on Parkinson's pursuit of him, he had said things like that to her on a daily basis when they were together.

He remembers the exact moment when everything went to hell.

In her attempt to convince him that proceeding was a decent idea, she said that since it was Hermione, the most intelligent person in Hogwarts, who was pushing for them to get back together, maybe they should heed to her advice.

Parkinson is nothing but pure evil.

A brand of evilness that he found himself wrapped in again.

That's about the time he decided that Hermione needed to be off-ed.

He'll get around to that as soon as his sanity makes its triumphant return.


	4. The Beginning of the End

_**Stood Up By Death**_

Close to their final days at Hogwarts, Parkinson had gotten the not so bright idea of taking advantage of her Prefect privileges and putting that oversized bathtub to good use.

And in all honesty, what guy would turn down an offer like that from their girlfriend?

So there they were, making quite excellent use of the oversized bathtub when the absolute worst thing that could have happened, happened.

A double whammy of ghosts swept into the room.

Myrtle was wailing about the awfully compromising position they had just been caught in, while Peeves was working on new lyrical content about it.

As if that wasn't humiliating enough, Myrtle's earsplitting bawling had woken up some professors, who easily broke through the locking charms placed on the door.

They both took a huge breath of air before disappearing under the bubble-covered water. Peeves had now finished his lyrics and they could be heard below the surface. The song was quite risqué, even for the likes of Peeves. Myrtle's wailing only grew louder with the vivid, accurate lyrics.

Parkinson had lost air first and ascended to the surface. He could hear muffled voices and then saw her hand gesturing for him to go to the surface.

Seeing as he rather drown, he stayed put, waiting for sweet death to come for him. But being the bitch that she is, Parkinson dragged him up to the surface, where his eyes settled on the likes of Snape, McGonagall and Filch standing behind their heap of clothes that were lying next to the bathtub.

Thank Merlin for bubbles…

Before anyone could speak, Myrtle began her verbal assault on Parkinson for 'stealing her man'.

Seeing as the best he could do was Parkinson and Myrtle, he returned to his underwater haven in hopes of not having his rendezvous with death disrupted this time.

Unfortunately, death stood him up.

After being left to re-clothe themselves, Parkinson was led away by a less than pleased Snape and he followed a bemused McGonagall.

By the time his 'What the hell you were thinking/Use protection/Don't do that in the Prefect's bathroom again' lecture was over and he returned to the common room, Peeves had obviously made his rounds.

With the exception of Ron, who somehow managed to appear more traumatized than he already was, Peeves' latest song seemed to have peaked people's curiosity.

It was when he was bombarded with one too many questions about specific lyrics, which Ron could easily be heard whimpering in the corner after each, he decided it would be best to spend the night in the Room of Requirement. Answering those types of questions actually made him think about his relationship from hell and all of the vile things he had done with her.

He decided that he would create his own Prefect's bathroom and see if death would meet him this time.

Regrettably, Parkinson had beaten him there and was sulking in a Gryffindor common room replica.

"They kept asking me how I keep you coming back for more," She said dejectedly. "It was revolting to actually think about."  
He gracelessly sat down on the opposite end of the couch and stared into the fire. "Likewise."  
"What's wrong with us, Potter? I mean, seriously…"  
"Ron did offer to take me to St. Mungo's awhile back."  
"The one time Weasel has a brilliant idea you let the opportunity pass," She rolled her eyes while shaking her head. "Good job, Potter. Really, great fucking job."  
"Go to hell, Parkinson."  
"With you around, I'm always there."  
"We seriously just need to end this whole thing."  
"There's something we can agree on."  
"Well, go on. Call me a variety of names, insult me like there's no tomorrow and leave."  
"No way! I was here first, you do it!"  
"Why do you always have to be such a bitch?"  
"You're the bitch, Potter. Remember?"  
"You know what? Fine! I'm leaving!" He stood up abruptly and made his way toward the door. Before he went for the doorknob he turned around. "Have a nice life, Parkinson. And by nice, I mean filled with misery."  
She was already standing up. "I didn't need clarification to figure that out. You're such an idiot."  
"Do the world a favor and go jump off the Astronomy Tower."  
"Do me a favor and shut the fuck up."  
"I'll do better than that and walk out the door."

And he did just that, walked right out of the room. Great move on his part. Not so great when he reached the end of the hallway and found his feet turning around to head back.

He really should sever those things, once and for all.

He ran into Parkinson halfway, who had also been watching the floor as she walked.

"It's hopeless, Potter, just get in here," She said impatiently.  
"For the record, I hate you for doing this to me."  
"The feeling is mutual."

He really should have just thrown himself into the fireplace when he went back in.

_**Switching The 'Bitch' Role**_

As mentioned prior, the details of the last day at Hogwarts will remain unspoken. He rather die than relive that experience, even if it would only be mentally. It really is just that horribly over-romanticized.

He had tried to write her, but his letters were always intercepted by her parents before they reached her. His letters were returned, unopened, and accompanied by a howler that threatened him in one way or another. Not like that was anything new.

It was after he moved into Grimmauld Place, after a few weeks of staying with the Weasley's, he really started to wonder why he hadn't heard from her yet.

He actually missed her and for the first time he realized it wasn't just because of his libidinal energy. He was hoping that she hadn't reclaimed her sanity. If she had, then the answer was obvious as to why he hadn't heard from her. He probably never would again.

And for some ungodly reason this saddened him to no end.

He reasoned with himself that it was for the best that he hadn't heard from her yet. After all, he had been experiencing Voldemort's emotions and mind prying attempts far too often since he had returned.

Sure, irritate him when she's not around. He could've used some of Voldemort's intrusiveness back when they first started snogging the hell out of each other after Potions class. She would've said he was a freak and made sure she stayed as far away from him as possible.

Voldemort…what an arse. He was probably out recruiting Parkinson as he mulled this over.

Wow. He really needed to get out. The fact that he hadn't heard from her yet was really messing with his head.

So he ventured out into the world, internally hoping to run into her.

If he ever thinks like that again, he made a mental note to slap himself.

There she sat at a table with other women. She was dressed quite sophisticatedly, fitting right in with the high socialite status that infiltrated the air surrounding them. He remembered how she had whined about not liking the people her mother forced her be around, something about claiming her place in high society…he wasn't quite sure, he had been staring at her chest, which he got yelled at for.

He didn't exactly wait for an invitation and walked right into the restaurant, towards the table she sat at.

"Where the hell have you been!" He demanded.

All of the socialites' eyes were on him and he could see her mother covering her face with her hands.

"Well!" He pressed for an answer.  
She sat silent, biting the corner of her lip.  
"And what the bloody hell is this!" He grabbed the glass that was sitting in front of her. "You have got to be kidding me, Parkinson! You're sitting here drinking _Cosmopolitans_ with these uppity bitches you hate and complained to me about for hours on end while I'm getting mind-pried every fifteen minutes! And to think I was actually concerned for your wellbeing! You are such a bitch!"

The women were all looking at him with disgust, while her mother was giving him a death glare. Parkinson was trying very hard to maintain her untainted façade.

Like she was anything near pure.

"Parkinson, I swear if you don't wipe that innocent look off of your face I will describe every lewd thing we have ever done."

She didn't change one bit. She obviously thought he was bluffing. After all, he was the one trying to keep her quiet about it at Hogwarts.

"Lewd act number one…" He gave her one last chance to stop him with his pause. She did nothing and he smirked. "When you forgot to cast the silencing charm and woke up everyone in my dorm because you are quite loud when I get you going. Lewd act number two: Need I remind you that you are the one into S&M, _not_ me. Lewd act number three: That time in Hogsmeade behind Honeyduke's was also _your_ idea and it's a good thing we finished right before your parents found us…"

Her mother looked like she was about to be sick. Parkinson just looked utterly horrified.

"Outside. Now!" He ordered.

He was actually surprised when she immediately complied.

Who's the bitch now?

When they got outside he whirled around and was about to begin yet another verbal assault on her, but he stopped short when she recoiled in preparation for his yelling.

"Geez Parkinson, what the hell has happened to you since Kings Cross?"  
"Keeping up appearances dumbass," She said while keeping her scared face on. "And by the way, thanks for never writing to me. Way to show you really care."  
"Are you kidding me! I wrote at least twice a week and I kept getting them back accompanied by howlers every time! You never wrote to me anyway!"  
"Yes I did!"  
"Well I sure as hell never got anything."

Parkinson now looked quite angry. She grabbed his arm and dragged him in front of the window where her mother and the socialites were sitting, obviously watching as the events unfolded, but were conveniently looking away when they approached. She tapped on the window to get their attention. Parkinson was clearly out for revenge and was using him to get it. She laid one on him that would surely make their skin crawl.

Her mother ran out of the restaurant. "Pansy, don't you dare walk away with him!"  
"And what do you plan on doing if I do?" Parkinson asked, sounding bored.  
"You will no longer be welcome in our house."  
"Whatever, I'll find someplace to stay."  
"Better not be with _him_! He's probably living in some shack with low lives! You'll get a disease!"  
"For your information, I own a house, I am the only occupant and I am certainly not diseased, nor is anything in my house," He said.  
"How dare you even speak to me, you arrogant, little ba-"  
"Only I get to call him that! Now if you'll excuse me mother, I'm going to go get laid since you are the reason I haven't been in awhile. Prepare yourself, Potter, I'm angry."  
Her mother looked horrified and he smirked. "It's always good when you're angry."

Okay, so there's no counter argument or witty remark for that. Just an ability that, most unfortunately, Parkinson happens to possess.

An ability that was exercised to the fullest extent upon their arrival at Grimmauld Place.

They broke up two weeks later and this time he actually moved on.

Really, he did.

Damn, the girl was gorgeous too. Tall, blonde, curves in all the right places…the quintessential Barbie doll if you will.

Too bad she was such a whore. He's lucky he didn't contract some disease in the three months he was with her.

Parkinson hadn't even crossed his mind until he went to Gringott's one day and happened to spot her…holding hands with some Malfoy-esque guy.

Inconspicuous observation was never one of his strong points when it came to her. Consequently, she caught him staring, more glaring, at them.

Of all times to be a jealous ex-boyfriend…

"Fancy seeing you here, Potter," She said after getting behind him in line.  
He didn't turn around. "At least you're not here leeching off of my bank account anymore."  
"Why so hostile, Potter?  
"You're invading my personal space."

Thankfully, it was his turn and he got away from her and her latest boy-toy.

She contacted him later that night and they started meeting each other secretly the next day. It was this pattern of infidelous behavior that ultimately led the way to him actually seeking professional help.

_**Consequences Of Being Delusional**_

Yes, believe it or not he had a moment of clarity and shipped himself to St. Mungo's, where he voluntarily checked in and declared himself mentally incapacitated with suicidal ideations.

As you can imagine, The Daily Prophet had a field day with this.

Ron was overjoyed and visited him daily. Hermione had refused to come, stating he was being completely ridiculous.

But alas, not even St. Mungo's bests could seem to quell his self-destructive Parkinson behavior. For upon his release, he was like a crack addict fresh out of detox and ready to obtain the new high after getting it out of his system.

After many tumultuous break-ups, make-ups and exchanged obscenities, it came to the definitive crossroads in the ultimate dissonant relationship…

It had been over two months since their last argument. Even disagreement. They were even calling each other by their first names.

After another completely perfect day with each other, they returned to their flat and turned in for the night. So there they both laid way too content with one another. At this time they epitomized the perfect relationship. Now one would think that this was a wonderful thing, but it was just…weird. The bottom line was that things were not making sense.

Harry Potter + Pansy Parkinson Perfectly happy?

This _does not_ compute.

"Harry?" She said. "Are you awake?"  
He rolled over to face her, somehow managing to not shudder upon seeing. "Yeah…"  
"Things are alright between us, right?"  
"Yeah, things are great actually."  
"It's sort of…strange, you know? After years of arguing…"  
"My thoughts exactly. What should we do?" Ditch her, moron.  
"I don't know. I really don't feel like picking a fight with you."  
"Me either. It really takes a lot of energy."  
"Yeah, it does…"  
"Are you happy?" He asked.  
"Yeah, but…"  
"Something's just off…" He finished for her.  
"So where do we go from here?" She asked, taking his hand…which he washed later.  
"Well, I guess we can either stay together or break-up," He offered, the latter obviously being the better option.  
"Do you love me, Harry?" No, you evil bitch, of course not.  
"Yes, you know I do," He sighed, blatantly he had yet another lapse in brain functioning. "Do you love me?"  
"Very much." If only that had been a terrible fallacy…  
"I'll start looking for a place tomorrow," He said while crawling on top of her. He needed one last fix before completely cutting himself off again.  
"Same here." Apparently she did too.

Months passed and he had been in a few fleeting, pointless relationships. It was after his latest one that he realized leaving Parkinson was a total mistake.

Mistake! That's called being delusional. St. Mungo's should have never given him a clean bill of mental health and released him back into society. He's clearly a danger to himself and others.

Especially for what he did next…

Heboughtaringtoproposetoher.

Insanity knows no bounds….


	5. The Grand Finale

**Chapter 5 - The Grand Finale**

Now in a normal proposal one might take their significant other to a nice place, get down on one knee, profess their everlasting love and then pop the question.

Key word being _normal_ there.

After successfully scaring off Parkinson's new high society play boy – with his newly acquired skills he had learned in Auror training – Harry had her all to himself again.

He really should've just killed her, Azkaban would've been much more enjoyable.

But alas, he was not allowed to enjoy the profuse future prison would've provided. Instead he made an idiotic move that went something like this…

With that damn ring in his pocket, he left work early to meet her for dinner. Not that he planned to propose to her at dinner…he just carried that thing everywhere because he didn't have a clue as to how or when he would go through with this most unholy event…also known as his sanity desperately trying to fight against the deadly Parkinson virus that was running through his very being.

Turns out dinner wasn't going to be the time to propose anyway. They got into yet another argument. Something about how she needed to stop flaunting her barely there cleavage to every breathing, walking male, which ended up with her throwing her glass of water on him and walking out of the restaurant.

That was the fourth, maybe fifth time she had done that to him at a restaurant that now had to be added to the list of places they couldn't go to again.

Idiotically, he went after her instead of letting her flee off into the approaching night and turn down the wrong alley to get killed.

He caught up to her, not that she moved very fast to begin with, and grabbed her arm. She slapped him of course. And that was all Harry could take that night. He pulled the ring out of his pocket, waving it right in front of her face.

"See this Parkinson?"  
"Maybe I would if you'd stop moving whatever it is."  
He held it about and inch away from her nose. "Do you know how long I've been trying to propose to you?!" Her beady little eyes stared at the sparkling diamond in front of her. "But noooooo, you have to go and ruin every second of the day so I can't!" He threw his arms up exasperated. "So forget it! Not doing it! I'm done trying!"  
He went to go put the ring back in his pocket, but Parkinson was now battling him for it. "Give me that damn ring, Potter!"  
"Hell no!"  
"Damn it! Give it to me before I have to hurt you!"  
Harry laughed sardonically. "Over my dead body."  
"So be it!"  
"Didn't know you were into necrophilia too. Now I'm really glad I didn't propose to you."

She slapped him again, causing him to drop the unfortunate ring. She quickly retrieved it from the ground and put it on her finger, clearly pleased by its appearance. The poor ring deserved so much better.

"We're getting married, Potter. Now shut up and let's go home."  
"I didn't propose to you!"  
"Yes you did!"  
"You're delusional!" She slapped him again. "Stop it!"  
"You're such a whiny little bitch, Potter."  
"And you're an evil whore, Parkinson."  
"That will be Potter soon enough." She shuddered. "Pansy Potter. How horrible."  
"I _didn't_ propose to you!"  
"Shut up. Don't make this any worse than it already is."  
"Then don't marry me." He practically pleaded.  
"You started this whole thing by buying this ring, now live with the consequences."  
"Consequences?!"  
"That's right. Grow a pair and follow through on something!"  
"Fine!" Damn his masculine ego. Damn it straight to hell.  
"Fine!" She always had to get the last word in.

How long did it take for people to find out he was making the worst decision of his life to date? Oh, not too terribly long since the 'proposal' took place out in the open with quite a few onlookers.

Ron tried to have him recommitted to St. Mungo's after asking him to be his best man. Hermione threatened to check Ron in after initially turning Harry down. Ron then threatened her back when she accepted Pansy's inquest of being not just a bride's maid, but the maid of honor. Pansy actually had people come to commit Ron after she found that out. Harry then had to go bail Ron out for the 'misunderstanding'.

Ron was not exactly pleased, nor was he.

"Parkinson! You can't just go around having my friends committed to an insane asylum just because they're trying to talk some sense into me!"  
"Don't make me move this wedding date up." She said nonchalantly, while working on seating arrangements for the reception.

That shut him up really quick.

But that wedding date was quickly approaching and Parkinson got whinier by the minute. The only thing worse than her was his soon to be in-laws. Hell, they were even worse than Voldemort. They had a different hit out on him every week, and every week he had to explain to the Ministry how some guy he didn't know's serious injury was in self-defense.

Parkinson didn't seem to care. She was too busy making wedding preparations. If he was killed, she'd probably have him wheeled there and waiting at the alter on a gurney just because she had spent so much time on it.

He decided to make sure he would be immediately cremated after his death.

He also decided to make sure she wouldn't be getting any of his money in the event of his untimely death. In fact, decided to have her sign a prenuptial agreement on it in the highly likely event of their divorce.

That didn't go over so well.

"I'm not interested in your dead parents' inheritance money, Potter! I'll have some of my own soon enough. I'm sure one of my parents will drop dead from the wedding."  
"You are one shameless bitch. I almost pity your parents." Yeah, except he was the one marrying her, so he pitied himself.  
"Wow, Potter, how admirable of you."  
"For you, Parkinson, I try my best." To really piss you off.

Alas, the sacrilegious day came all too quickly for everyone's liking.

Harry stood at the end of the isle, Ron by his side. He was telling him that it wasn't too late for him to back out of this, even as Parkinson was surely only moments away from walking down the isle herself. Harry looked miserably to all of the seated guests. Parkinson's parents had finally taken a seat in the front row after unsuccessfully trying to get her to back out herself.

He was willing to bet that ninety percent of the guests would raise their hand when asked if anyone had any objections to their joining in matrimony. He couldn't believe that everyone they had invited actually showed up. Most likely because they had to see it to believe it. Malfoy had even showed up looking confused and yet amused. He was probably just there to flaunt his trophy wife to Harry.

It worked. Harry wanted the trophy wife. Maybe he could talk Malfoy into switching. Parkinson once worshipping the ground he walked on, that had to count for something. But before Harry had the chance to ask, the procession began. He closed his eyes, pretending it was his own funeral procession where he got to go on to a Parkinson-free afterlife.

"Harry!" Ron whispered sharply. "I'll create some cover, run for the hills and don't look back."  
Tempting…  
"Harry go now, she's almost here!" Ron actually gave him a shove.  
"Ron! I told you not to interfere!" Hermione hissed from her position on the opposite side.

A strange sort of strangled desperation cry came from Ron, but it fell on deaf ear. Parkinson had walked down the isle by herself, seeing as her father refused to lead her into such travesty. Now that she was standing next to him, her parents looked quite ill. Not to mention a good portion of the crowd. He looked at her and found her already staring at him.

"Alright, let's get this over with." She said impatiently.  
He rolled his eyes, wanting to hex himself for actually thinking she didn't look too horrible today. "Such the romantic."  
The minister looked at them uncertainly. "Uh, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Harry Potter and Pansy Parkinson in holy matrimony."  
Harry vomited in his mouth, forcing himself to swallow it back down. Ron was still prodding him in the back, encouraging him to flee the scene.

But just when all hope had been lost and seemingly nothing left to save him from his miserable fate of being Parkinson's bitch husband…

Loud apparation pops began sounding all over the field.

"Oh thank god." Harry said relieved at the sight transpiring before him. All hope was not lost yet! "Well it sure as hell took you long enough!" Harry shouted at Voldemort and his minions.  
Voldemort smiled wickedly. "Why Harry, I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. I thought dropping by now would be perfect timing."  
"No!" Harry shouted. "What would have been perfect timing would have been years ago when this bitch first sunk her claws into me! Do you have _any_ idea of the suffering I've gone through because of your dawdling?!"  
Voldemort didn't respond. In fact he actually looked quite confused, as did his Death Eaters.  
"Come on, I'll give you one free shot!" Harry yelled. "Go on, kill me!"  
"Oh no you don't!" Parkinson said, slapping him across the face. "You are not getting out of marrying me!"  
"Watch me!" Harry said excitedly, pulling out his wand. "Let's go Big V!"  
Parkinson grabbed a fistful of his hair. "Don't you walk away from me!"  
Harry slapped her hand away. "Sorry, Voldemort calls. He doesn't like waiting."  
"On the contrary…" Voldemort said slyly. "I rather think you should get married first, then your wife can be a widow."  
"No, no! Now is good. Let's battle now." Harry pleaded.  
Voldemort had a sinister smile. He order all of his minions to take a seat, as did he. "Minister, proceed."  
Harry whimpered, as did Ron.  
"You think you're so smart, trying to go off and get yourself killed." Parkinson rolled her eyes.

Voldemort was taking such pleasure in his agony. That evil son of a bitch. Now Harry really wanted to kill him. But if he killed him, he'd be stuck alive with Parkinson. Death by Voldemort, live with Parkinson…Death by Voldemort, live with Parkinson…

Parkinson stomped on his foot. "Say yes, Potter!"  
"Say no, Harry!" Ron said from behind.  
"Will you shut it back there, Weasel?!" Parkinson was ready to throttle him.  
"Damn it…" Harry muttered. "Fine, yes." Parkinson said the same.  
"And if there is anyone who believes that these two should not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."  
"No!"  
"No."  
"I object."  
"So, do I."  
"Me too."  
"Silence!" Voldemort demanded. "I do not object. Now _Proceed._"  
"I now pronounce you…" Oh no, here it comes… "Husband and wife." Oh the humanity! "You may kiss your bride."  
"Do I have to?" Harry groaned. "Oow!" A stinging hex had been sent by Voldemort.  
Harry sealed the deal.  
"It is now my, uh, pleasure, to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Harry and Pansy Potter."

Parkinson immediately started complaining about her new last name. Harry decided that he could use her as a human shield if Voldemort sent the killing curse at him. After all, she had to be good for something. Voldemort was beyond pleased by his suffering and was laughing from his seat.

"Potter, will you just kill him and get it over with, he's annoying me." Parkinson, now Potter said.  
"No, I was planning on letting him come to the reception, I'm sure he'd love the imported firewhiskey." Harry said sweetly.  
"Potter!"  
With a huff, Harry turned to Voldemort. "Ready to kill me now?"  
"I suppose." Voldemort sighed. "This is going to be quite anti-climatic if you're not even going to put up a fight."  
"Pretty much." Harry said dully.  
"Alright, we'll duel like we did years ago." Voldemort seemed saddened by this turn of events.  
"Damn it you are not going to kill my husband!" Parkin-Potter yelled at Voldemort. "You'll have to kill me first."

She just _had_ to go ruin another death date for him. Consequently, Voldemort was obliging to Park-Potter's order and Harry intervened. That damn hero complex was really getting on his nerves.

To make a long story short, Voldemort ended up dead. Yes, very anti-climatic.

If it makes you feel better, Harry almost died too, but that bitch of a wife had the medics bring him back to life.

They've been married for just over two years now and still no one really quite knows why.

The truth of the matter is sanity took a permanent holiday, resigned, was stolen, murdered and buried in the middle of nowhere so it could never be found again.

That's right. He, Harry James Potter, has finally come to terms with reality. He is just one of the unfortunate people who lose their sanity over their lifespan, leading them to do completely uncharacteristic things. For he did not willingly choose to do the things he has done involving Pansy Parkinson, a rational Harry would have never, _ever_ come close.

Loss of all sanity, reason and common sense. Yes, it's the perfectly plausible explanation for all of this.

It's better than actually acknowledging the truth…which he would be forced to off himself if he ever admitted to.

To clarify, he did not just admit to anything, especially willingly being with Pansy Parkinson.

_You heard nothing._


End file.
